Ranking Rankin & Bass

Screw Marvel. I’m here for the Rankin & Bass Cinematic Universe.

‘Tis the season to get high, eat sugar cookies, and watch copious amounts of stop animation Christmas classics. Oh, just me?

We’ve all seen the absolute bangers - or the Rankin & Bangers, if you will (and I will!). I’m talking about Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, and The Year Without a Santa. You can even throw Little Drummer Boy and the Rankin & Bass original The First Christmas as Christmas classics. Arthur Rankin Jr. and Jules Bass are the masterminds behind all of these beloved classics.

But I’m here for their weird shit. Always have been, always will be. They made some truly strange, messed-up, possibly drug-fueled films. Those are the ones I’ve always remembered - I’m not being funny! I genuinely mean that! Every year I’d have to wade through the reindeers and the Frosty’s in order to get to the one where forest nymphs battle against evil goblins in order to save Christmas (???).

So today, my friends, I am going to talk about those. Let’s rank THE BEST and WEIRDEST Rankin & Bass classics:

The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus

THIS IS MY FAVORITE ONE! IT HAS UNIRONICALLY BEEN MY FAVORITE SINCE I WAS A CHILD! I AM SCREAMING BECAUSE I LOVE IT!

This 1985 special was their final film and you are about to maybe see why:

The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus has what all other Christmas specials are missing: dragons, the council of immortals, the mantle of immortality, wood nymphs, fairies, an elf that speaks every language in the universe, evil beasts, and class consciousness. Need I say more???

This has always been my favorite Christmas story, most likely because it feels like The Lord of the Rings. It’s actually based on a book by L. Frank Baum - the guy who wrote Wizard of Oz! That might be a good indication of what you can expect in this story.

This one attempts to explain Christmas traditions in a non-religious way. It’s decidedly fantastical and pagan. There is no mention of Jesus - just Santa and his badass family of immortals.

The Great Ak, pictured above making a point, is the master of the woods. So one day this guy strolls through his woods and finds a human baby. He’s like, ‘huh? Babies in the woods??? In this economy???’

A nymph named Necile wants to raise the baby because she desperately wants to know what it would be like to be called Mom. She sings a whole song about it. And, yes, my avatar photo is Necile. Always has been, always will be.

She and a “lioness named Shiagra” share Mom duties to the little boy they name Claus because “in the language of our forest, it means Little One”. I don’t even have to look these lines up. I have this shit on lock in my brain for all of eternity. When I’m senile, I won’t remember my loved ones’ names, but I will be able to quote this sucker word-for-glorious-word. And then I will. People will be confused.

Anyway, Claus has an idyllic childhood playing with fairies. When he becomes a teenager The Great Ak decides he has to know what it’s like to be a human man. So he takes him around the world to show him HUMAN SUFFERING. For real. He doesn’t show him people smiling and dancing - he shows him “man’s inhumanity to man”.

This inspires Claus to be a good human which is why he hangs out with children and makes them toys. This takes off like Pokemon Go. Kids can’t get enough of Claus’ toys. He decides this is his contribution to horrible humanity, but then this squad of ugly-ass gremlins named The Awgwas decide that they hate that.

Hating him seems like it’s their whole thing. They hate him like a high school clique that just randomly decides to hate someone. So the Awgwas steal all of the toys and tie Claus up in a cave with spiders - but Claus grew up in nature, so he knows how to communicate with giant spiders and cobras to tell them to knock it off. This is the coolest Santa Claus of all time.

The Great Ak and his crew want to get Claus’ toys back, so The Great Ak calls upon his special Axe - which he never does! We are given the impression that he doesn’t do violence, he only has this ax for emergencies. Santa emergencies!!!

He and the Immortals join forces and battle against the Awgwas. It is a horrifying display of stop-motion animation, but they win and The Great Ak declares “it is THE LAW that good conquers evil”. If it’s the law, then why did you have to fight…? Nevermind.

That part ruled and everything after that is just Santa delivering toys and being nice. He gets really old - ew, humans - so the Immortals decide to bestow upon him The Mantle of Immortality. Best Christmas gift ever??? So that’s how Santa becomes immortal, something kids have been wondering for eons! Honestly, it would be really fucked up if they let their adopted human son die but they all get to live forever.

You can watch the absolutely badass opening number here. What’s happening in the opening? The Council of the Fucking Immortals are entering the chat, that’s what. And, yes, that includes this guy:

Mad Monster Party?

The question mark in the title? INTENTIONAL.

Rankin & Bass didn’t just do Christmas. Sure, that was their bread-and-butter, but sometimes they went nuts and just splurged on ice cream instead. This Halloween FILM is one of those times. They actually followed up Rudolph with this movie. I don’t know why it is not more beloved because it is fun, flirty, and Phyllis Diller is in it. As herself.

This was 1968, so comedian Phyllis Diller was a big deal! It was also 1968, so the film is filled with cool and kooky 60s music. There’s an entire scene where a band made of skeletons sing a rock song called “Do the Mummy” and Phyllis dances with the monsters. It’s out of sight.

The plot follows a young dork named Felix who only just learned that he is the nephew of Baron Boris von Frankenstein voiced by Boris Karloff. He is invited to a gathering at his uncle’s evil castle literally on the Isle of Evil, so he sets out to go on this adventure without a question in his head. But, baby, it’s a Monster Party! Dracula, The Invisible Man, The Mummy, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Phyllis - they all attend.

It turns out that his uncle has devious plans - on the Isle of Evil?! Who knew! - so Felix ends up saving the day. The ending is actually a twist, so I won’t spoil what happens.

This one is legitimately fun with a really good opening number that sounds like a Bond theme. I sincerely recommend this one for all of you campy Hallo-freaks.

Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July

Surely, you remember this absolute shit show. The whole gang is in this one: Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph, Santa, a powerful snow wizard. Rudolph and Frosty squad up to save Baby New Year from an evil snow wizard named Lord Winterbolt. He rides a snake. He actually rules. I think the evil dudes in Rankin and Bass movies might actually be the coolest guys?

Lord Winterbolt has a genie in his ice scepter who tells him that a powerful lady sorceress named Lady Boreal transferred her powers into Rudolph’s nose when he was born - so we’re getting major backstory on Rudy here! We didn’t need it, but we get it.

Winterbolt finds a scraggly reindeer named Scratcher who is going to help him turn Rudolph evil, so that he can reclaim winter territory from Santa. Oh! There is also a melting man made of ice cream named Milton who is having a circus in July and Santa is supposed to be there, but Winterbolt’s blizzard is…ah, you know what? This one is actually too batshit to explain. At least Life & Adventures of Santa Claus makes sense to me. This one feels like a 2nd grader explaining a story they made up. “And then there is a wizard, and um, his genie and also…”

Plus there are dragons in this one and the circus is in debt. Worth a watch if you want your family to stop talking to you on Christmas.

Leprechaun’s Christmas Gold

The second-to-last Christmas special from Rankin & Bass is so not-Christmassy that I have memories of watching it in March to mentally prepare for St. Patrick’s Day.

This special starts in my absolute favorite way: a leprechaun tells us he didn’t see us there and then says, “Blarney Kilakilarney is the name, tellin’ stories is my game”. Okay, I love poetry. I’m hooked.

This story is about an Irish sailor named Dinty Doyle (lol) who unintentionally releases an ancient hag named Old Mag on some innocent leprechauns when he digs up a pine tree in leprechaun territory. The hag wants gold and she wants it right now. Dinty and the leps have to protect the gold and banish the banshee. Santa never even makes a cameo in this one.

That’s it! A sincere happy holiday from Blarney and the gang.

Pinocchio’s Christmas

Did you ever wonder how Pinocchio celebrated Christmas? Neither did anyone else, but Rankin & Bass churned this 1980 special out regardless. Their 80s stuff really jumped the Christmas shark.

This extremely unofficial Pinocchio sequel - I say that because it assumes you know everything about Pinocchio and the gang already and offers absolutely zero reminders of anything that happened to get us here - is all about Geppetto trying to make Pinocchio’s very first Christmas special. Aw, how cute.

Wrong! This is Fucked Up Rankin & Bass - nothing is cute!

The story is all over the place and I’m tired, so I’ll just tell you that after performing in a circus with Fire-Eaters and talking animals, Pinocchio receives his present from Geppetto: an arithmetic book. Merry Christmas, kiddo, here’s some math.

Jack Frost

Of all the ones mentioned here, Jack Frost certainly gets the most airtime. You may have been too young to realize it, but watch this special again and you will very clearly see that it is soul-crushing. It might be the most depressing film ever made. The entire message seems to be like ‘life is rejection and pain and then you die’. If you were just dumped, then this is the Christmas special for you.

Jack Frost, a supernatural embodiment of winter (I think?), falls for a human woman because she is blonde. Sadly, Jack Frost doesn’t get the girl despite saving her sorry ass. He watches her fall in love with someone else - a human man. I think this is all in Russia. There is a kickass song with our evil villain Kubla Kraus:

Oh, and then all of this is actually about Groundhog’s Day. Not Christmas. Gotcha! It was all narrated by a groundhog who is using the story to explain why he might sleep for six weeks longer than you want him to. Rankin…Bass…what are we even doing here?

That’s all for now! Please watch all of these.

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