The world has been mourning Pope Francis’ death. He was a rare public figure in these cruel times who preached love and acceptance, often breaking from previous positions the church held because they hadn’t updated for the modern world. That is why his passing is something to mourn. He was someone with a genuinely positive message at a time when that feels so rare.
Now the world gets to watch as they pick a new pope, a mysterious election process. I used to joke that they just do camp games in there like wheelbarrow races and egg tosses until the last man standing is pope. So many of The Vatican is draped in secrecy which is why it is so fascinating. Seriously, in the past six or so years there have been numerous pope projects: The Young Pope, The Two Popes, and obviously Russell Crowe’s epic film The Pope’s Exorcist (lol). Okay, okay, obviously the best one is The Conclave, the strangely thrilling Oscar-nominated film about choosing the next pope which had me on the edge of my seat. Seriously, it was like watching Real Housewives of The Vatican. Loved it.
Having just watched The Conclave, the public is primed and ready to pick the new pope. But who is up for pope? Well, a bunch of old dudes in robes. But what if - and hear me out - what if there was a girl pope? Women can’t be clergy which is essentially THE prerequisite for the job, but it is fun to imagine. Right?
Well…
But what if I told you that there was a female pope?
The Legend of Pope Joan is about a woman who reigned as pope from 855-857. She is either an English woman named Joan who ran off to Athens with a lover and studied Church Stuff there or a German woman named Gilberta who studied in Mainz. Whoever she was, we know who she became: Pope Johannes or John VIII, depending on the account you read.
How did a woman become the pope? Easy answer: God said. Duh. That’s how the papacy goes. Other answer: she disguised herself as a man to be pope (in some versions of the story, she did this because her lover told her because I guess even a woman pope needs a man). Either way, she rose through the ranks of the church until she was elected Pope John VIII, but her true identity was revealed when she gave birth during a procession. Yes, a papal procession - specifically, an EASTER procession. I don’t know about you, but if I saw A POPE GIVE BIRTH TO A BABY DURING AN EASTER PARADE I WOULD ASSUME THAT BABY IS JESUS’ LITTLE BROTHER.
But I guess the people were like “oh hell no” and either murdered her or let her die shortly after from natural post-birth complications. The legend goes that later popes avoid this spot in their processional. The Vatican also began performing a sort of genital check ritual by making His Holiness sit on a throne that sort of looks like a toilet so that a Pope Inspector could check out the goods. Whether or not this story is real, those chairs are. There are several at museums around the world.
Also, the Vatican thought that the whole affair was embarrassing, so they removed it from their historical records. That being said, the Siena Cathedral did have a bust of Pope Joan, but this was taken down after protests in 1600.
Scholars debate the legitimacy of this story. It doesn’t appear as written word or art until 1250 when Jean de Mailly wrote about it, but it was believed as a fact for centuries after. Things changed around the time of the Protestant Reformation when debate over the story rose when scholars questioned why it took so long for mention of Joan to appear anywhere? Her life and Mailly’s account are about 400 years apart. Where did Mailly hear the story? Not only that, but there IS a Pope John VIII. Was that Joan? His body was actually exhumed and put on trial by the pope after him who hated him a lot (it’s a crazy story - medieval times were so batshit insane that even the popes were crazy). Is Mailly suggesting that they are the same person? Did he make it up? Was it oral history? Or was it a myth even when Mailly heard the tale? Was the story, as some suggested around 1600, anti-Catholic propaganda? Or was it, as others believe, a piece of papal satire that was taken as fact? Last week I had to explain that The Onion is satire to two people in their early 20s who thought it was news “along the lines of NPR”. So…yeah, I can 100% see that being the case.
Some scholars have suggested that IF there was a female pope, then she may have existed in the 11th century when there were a bunch of antipopes running about claiming papacy. I love the term “antipope”. I imagine a bunch of little imps cackling with glee around medieval cities as they pretend to be pope. Was Joan one of those little hobgoblin antipopes? Some scholars think it’s plausible. Others as recently as 2018 re-asserted the original story by looking at papal monograms in the 800s to find that there are TWO different monograms attributed to Pope John VIII. Is one of them Joan and the other the cadaver that was put on trial? Maybe…!
So did Joan exist for sure? Like a lot of ancient historical figures, we may never know. But it’s sort of fun to imagine and I think we could all use a little bit of fun right now.
What I’m reading: The Cinema of Stephanie Rothman
What I’m watching: The Americans season 4, Righteous Gemstones, The Rehearsal