Today? We’re talkin’ about stalkin’.
I am sure that stalkers probably don't think that they are stalking. I don’t know if stalkers even ADMIT that they are stalkers. They think they just CARE A LOT.
I should say that, like most modern people, I have certainly participated in some light social media stalking. Whether it was to scroll through a crush's Twitter to see if we have the same sense of humor or going on a mission to figure out what kinds of people they have dated in the past by looking at all of their Instagram photos, I've definitely lost hours to this activity. I’m basically Sherlock Holmes stalking any future Watsons.
It’s natural to be curious, but social media blurs the lines between what is acceptable and what isn’t - much like living in New York City will make you do some really weird stuff on Subways because ‘that’s just the way it is’. I guess it’s nasty to paint your nails on a crowded train in other cities?! Who knew??? Regardless, repeatedly checking in on an old flame’s profile may as well be the equivalent of walking past their house several times a day.
I don't do this so much anymore (cyberstalk and painting my nails on the CTA) because I've been on the receiving end of stalkings to a degree that left me feeling really creeped out (a word of advice on both ends of this: let's all just leave our exes alone unless we are actually friends with them. No need to see who they are hanging out with or where they are going. You don’t even say happy birthday anymore!).
Have you ever had someone bring something up about your life and you realize that you have never told them that? That they likely looked you up online - maybe even studied you - to find that out? I have! That’s just a small example and it felt violating. The bigger ones feel worse.
Knowing that you are being stalked feels like a painting in the room has eyes that are watching you wherever you go. So, yeah, getting very intimate with that feeling left me not wanting to lurk on a former coworker's socials to see if they are doing better than me now.
My feelings towards social media as a whole were revised because I realized I have no idea who is looking at my stuff - even the people who are following me! How many of us actually know who ALL of our followers are? The same few people usually interact with me online so whenever I do post something I am usually just thinking about those few people. Those few people are the best.
Cyberstalking has really opened up what a stalker storyline can be in a movie or tv show. My favorite of these tales has to be the film Ingrid Goes West in which a lonely young woman played by Aubrey Plaza becomes fixated on an influencer that she follows on Instagram played by Elizabeth Olsen. Aubrey’s character, Ingrid, decides to move to LA to assume an entirely new personality and worm her way into this girl's picture-perfect life by hanging out at the same places that she posts about in the hopes of running into her. And it works! That's how easy it can be to figure out where and when you can find someone. Big yikes!!!
Since so much feels like stalking due to the internet, I looked up what criminal stalking actually is. Criminal stalking involves repeated interference in a person’s life. Calls, emails, letters, and repeatedly showing up to a person’s home or work are all considered serious stalking that can result in a restraining order. Making false accusations and posting rumors for the sole purpose of harassment can be met with legal action as well. Stalking also includes attempts to interfere with a person’s interpersonal relationships which might include trying to befriend their friends, family, or coworkers just to get closer to the victim.
Criminal stalking is a crime of power, so repeated contact and interference are generally made to exert control or to terrorize the victim. I just looked all of this up and it is making me realize an ex has been stalking me for over 2.5 years…help.
There are some truly great stalking movies like Fear, Perfect Blue, and Play Misty for Me. Others take a technological approach like Swimfan! But the movie I watched recently that got me thinking about stalkers is Single White Female.
Ah, Single White Female.
What the fuck is going in this movie?
The plot was surprisingly weirder than I remembered. I thought it was a simple psycho roommate who becomes obsessed with a new roommate situation - you know, the kind! - but it’s definitely queer-coded and it feels problematic. Basically, copper-topped New Yorker Allie has a breakup with her married boyfriend who was paying for her apartment. She needs a roommate and the only nice, normal person is a sweet brunette named Hedy.
Hedy is not as cool as Allie and we know this because she dresses like Blossom while Allie works for a computer program that looks like something I would have dreamt up when I was 9 (you just try on outfits? but on computer?). As a result, Hedy thinks Ali is COOL. I know Hedy is ultimately creepy - I get that - but Allie also does a lot of bad roommate stuff from the get-go that made me cringe. For example, she immediately goes through Hedy’s things while homegirl is in the shower. What? Why? That’s never really explained. It’s like…is she stalking the stalker? What is happening here?
Also, Allie's boyfriend sucks! And they get back together! That is why all hell breaks loose. Plus Hedy goes nude a lot which I think is supposed to tell us that she has shitty boundaries. But she also pays rent there, so let her step out of the shower topless? Believe me, I’ve done worse things as a roommate than be seen wearing my (very hot) birthday suit!
Okay, that’s where my defense of her stops. It’s easy to see this as a homophobic storyline. Hedy has a crush on Allie and feels threatened when she gets back together with her boyfriend. Hedy goes from a mousey girl who just moved to New York (so she probably doesn’t know the thing about not painting your nails yet) to an obsessive sex fiend and psychopathic murderer. There’s certainly some homophobic messaging there, but after reading about stalking I can see a second layer.
Hedy seems totally nice and normal and then she suddenly snaps because of the boyfriend?! That feels psychotic. But! That that is what being a victim of a stalker feels like. You have no idea why this person suddenly turns into a stalker. You are not sure what the stalker actually believes or what they are doing just to get a rise out of you. Are they actually believing their lies and delusions? Or is this all just to terrorize you? It feels like when they believe their delusions, they snap. And that is when you start fearing for your life.
That is why stalking feels SO scary. It starts small, but it escalates. You think you’re safe. You think you’re in love or that you have found a new friend or roommate. Then it curdles and you’re in danger. What makes someone become a stalker? Can it happen to any of us? Are we all capable of morphing into this kind of monster?
Maaaaaybe. So lock your doors. Set your profiles to private. And try to get some sleep.
Pleasant nightmares :)
What I’m Watching: Midnight Mass - these monologues are ridiculous. No one talks for this long without being interrupted. I’m an active listener! If someone talked at me for literally 3-5 minutes, I’d be like “oh for sure…yeah…I get that…no doubt.”
What I’m reading: The Witch Elm by Tana French